Home > Uncategorized > From A to Zowie: It’s Harvest Time once again!

From A to Zowie: It’s Harvest Time once again!

From A to Zowie 

It’s Harvest Time once again! 

By Richard Zowie 

We’re approaching October 31, a time when many Americans will get sick on Halloween candy, will slice open a trick-or-treat apple to see if it has any sharp objects, have Harvest parties or rush to a video store or online to Netflix to check out a spooky film. And if you’re one of those Americans who likes to get things done well ahead of schedule, you’ll probably have your Christmas shopping by then.

I fall into the third and fourth categories. As a teenager, I loved horror films, particularly the slasher ones. Those days are thankfully past me. The last gory film I saw was a few years ago–more for nostalgia purposes. As I watched, I realized something: far too much budget in those movies is invested into gore, blood and guts and not enough into an actual story line. This is why I like suspense and thrillers a lot better. More surprises and a little less threat of a cheesy sequel. These days, if I want to see lots and lots of the red stuff splattered, it’s Heinz-57 on tater tots. Yum yum!

Maybe you’re like me and like to be scared without seeing all kinds of unnecessary gore. If so, check out these movies:

when_a_stranger_calls

When a Stranger Calls (either the original or remake; both are good)

Alien (one of my all-time favorite taglines: “In space, nobody can hear you scream.”)

The Sixth Sense (M. Night Shyamalan builds suspense perfectly)

Psycho (Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960 original, NOT the terrible remake)

So, being a man of an overactive imagination, I wondered what else could make for modern-day scary films. Here’s what I came up with, borrowing titles of real movies:

Clear and Present Danger (from the Tom Clancy movie)–Due to a strange glitch in the electronic ballots that replaced butterfly ballots, socialite/reality television star Paris Hilton is elected president of the United States. True to her career, she becomes the star of the reality show O-24, a show in which viewers can have access to her activities in the Oval Office 24 hours a day. Controversy erupts when Hilton is caught perusing Vogue magazine and admiring herself in a mirror when Secretary of State Alec Baldwin is trying to brief her on how the war’s going in Afghanistan. Congressman–both Democrat and Republican work to draft emergency legislation calling for a new constitutional amendment allowing for the recall of presidents.

Russian president Dmitry Medvedev makes headlines when he meets Hilton and asks, “Chto znachit, kogda President Hilton govorit, ‘Ehto zharko!’?” (“What does it mean when President Hilton says, ‘That’s hot!’?”)

Dead Silence (from the movie about the ventriloquist whose dolls come to life)–Kanye West, fresh off his interruption of Taylor Swift’s award acceptance speech, is ordered by his record label to not utter a single word for an entire year. Or they’ll make him go up to former Alaska governor Sarah Palin and ask her for an autograph of her book. The question is: can he do it?

The Beast Within (from the 1982 movie that, well, it’s a revenge story that had [at that time] really cool special effects)–Something terrible is going on in Hollywood. Amidst all the ultra liberals there’s one prominent liberal who is a closet conservative. Who is this evil Republican? Can they be found? Can they be stopped before they give Hollywood a bad name?

Final Destination (from a lame movie about a bunch of unlikeable punks who try to cheat death)–Documentary maker Michael Moore flies again to Cuba in hopes of making another documentary about how evil America is, how much of a paradise the People’s Republic of Cuba is, blah blah blah. Only one small problem. When he’s ready to return to America, he learns his passport has expired. The officials refuse to renew it for him, and Moore is forced to live life in a real socialist country to see if his fake-u-mentaries are really true. Finally, he tries to make it back to America on a makeshift raft.

Sicko (one of Michael Moore’s fake-u-mentaries)–A documentary that looks at why Hollywood seems to have so much love for convicted child molesters like, um, Roman Polanski while acting in extreme indignation at Mel Gibson for saying deplorable things while drunk. Guest appearances will include wisdom from Woody Allen, who’s currently married to his ex-girlfriend’s daughter. 

Richard Zowie grew up in Beeville and now works in Michigan as a writer. From A to Zowie’s blog can be found at http://www.fromatozowie.wordpress.com. 

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