A Look back at 2008, Part 1 of 2
Year in Review: 2008, Part 1
By Richard Zowie
After some thought, I have decided it’s far more fun to parody past events ten to strain what few brain cells I have by trying to speculate what’ll happen next year. So, with that, let me pull out a trite expression by saying that 2008 was an amazing year. History was made as Michael Phelps won so many gold medals that he earned well over a half million dollars by hocking his medals in the “As Seen on TV” cash-for-gold craze. It was also the year that Terrell Owens threw a temper tantrum when he learned the Dallas Cowboys’ new stadium wouldn’t be named after him. And, as seen recently, Barack Hussein Obama had to decide what would make a suitable presidential nickname—B.H.O., B.O., Barry or The Famous B.H.O.
January – For the first time, oil prices hit $100 per barrel. The Democrats blame the Republicans, the GOP blames the Democrats while President George W. Bush chooses to be diplomatic by blaming the evil J.R. Ewing. “Ewing’s the personalsonification of evil,” Bush says at a press conference.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie condemn the aggressive ways of the paparazzi, condemning the Italian photo corps for depriving them of a private life. Brangelina proceeds to sell the photo rights of their next child to People magazine for $3.2 billion.
In an effort to curtail California’s budget problems, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger offers to reprise his role as an emotionless robot from The Terminator and go back in time and kill the mothers of overspending California congressman before the future pork spenders are even born.
February – Iran launches its first rocket into space. On board is Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Unfortunately, due to a programming error, the rocket is sent on a one-way trip to the next galaxy, the Andromeda Galaxy, three million light years away.
Those who misprogrammed the Iranian rocket’s computer are nominated for Nobel Peace Prizes.
The U.S. stock market plunges again, this time more than three percent, prompting the day to be called the infamous Nestea Plunge Day. The recession is blamed on the Democrats, Republicans and on that annoying lizard with the English accent on the Geico commercials.
March – Brett Favre announces his retirement as an NFL quarterback after 17 years. “I really mean it. I’m retiring. I’m not kidding. It’s no joke. Take it to the bank,” he says. “After all, I’m not a boxer.”
New York governor Eliot Spitzer is forced to resign in disgrace after being caught voting in a Republican primary. He also is caught in a prostitution scandal and apologizes profusely, promising that, next time, he’ll avoid paper trails by paying cash.
The U.S. dollar falls to low levels, to where five U.S. dollars equal one Monopoly dollar.
April – The U.S. Supreme Court, in a landmark ruling, rules that lethal injection is not “cruel and unusual punishment”. However, making death row inmates watch The View is.
Prior to the opening of the baseball season the Houston Astros hold an exhibition game against the University of Texas. As expected, the Astros lose 129-0.
In a historic move in the NFL draft, the Detroit Lions use their first-round pick to select current Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban as their new owner.
The Texas House passes legislation that makes it a crime to sell, buy or consume picante salsa manufactured in New York City.
May – In an effort to cut unemployment rates, President Bush announces that immigrants who don’t yet speak English will automatically qualify for jobs as taxi cab drivers.
Barbara Walters promotes her new book Audition: A Memoir and admits to one shocking scandal: she voted for George W. Bush for president. Twice.
In an effort to further bolster its nuclear enrichment program and to acquire as much plutonium as possible, Iran announces it has laid claim to the “planet” Pluto.
June –In a historic 5-4 decision in the United States versus Santos case regarding money laundering, the U.S. Supreme Court rules that using store-brand detergent does not legally constitute money laundering; All-Temperature Cheer, that’s another story.
Inspired by McDonald’s decision to no longer serve sliced tomatoes on its burgers due to a salmonella outbreak, The Veggie Tales features a tragic episode where Bob the Tomato is squished to death.
Senator John McCain, the GOP-nominee-to-be for president, promises that if elected, he’ll liven up C-SPAN by playing the theme song to Jeopardy! whenever someone speaks on the floor for too long.